please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
