He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
