It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
