Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
