Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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