sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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