he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize