Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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