Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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