I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
