It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
