She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
