Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Randomize