this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
We named our party play list daddy issues
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Randomize
