Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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