sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Also, beer. Big fan.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
