The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
