he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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