I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
