I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize