"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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