when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.