sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
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He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The Most Iconic Met Gala Looks The Kardashian’s Have Rocked
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.