She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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