So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
