You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
