Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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