I wish my penis had an off switch
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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