I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
