What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Randomize
