In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize