the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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