Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
