just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
