i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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