So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
