she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
