I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
