I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
