end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
