what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
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I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
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I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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