Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
