3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
this beer tastes like vomit already
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
