Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
