Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
