I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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