All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
