I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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