I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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