Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
