plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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