He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
