I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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