dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
