I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
