Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
