why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
