Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
